Digital supplies
- FloraArt No. 4 Paperie
- Hipster Plum Frames No. 2
- Font: Frakturika


Journaling Reads:


"As sure as death and taxes, you will hurt and be hurt"


That was the opening line of last weeks Grey's Anatomy and struck a chord with me.


Human connection is hard. Factor in our different expectations and perceptions, and we enter a maze that seems impossible to navigate. Change is also inevitable and that aspect is one that I have become all too familiar with over the past few months. Just when you think things are getting back to "normal", change smacks you in the face again.


To get to the point. I have a friend who has hurt me. Not intentionally I don't think. But she has. She has disappointed me and left me wondering “Why”?


It started with avoidance. She wants to avoid conflict. I get that. I also get that she feels the need to “fix” me. She has this need for everyone to be happy and for life to run smoothly. Wouldn’t that be nice? But I am not sure I can be fixed or that my life will ever run smooth.


My life has been anything but smooth, especially over the past few months. Both personally and professionally I have been stretched to the max. In recent months I have discovered that both my children have special needs and I also been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.


I am learning that while my perceptions are often a little off, I know I can trust my instincts, and I am getting the impression that she has moved on. I'm not sure what hurts more. The not knowing or the blame and self-doubt that is eating away at me.


There are definitely lessons to be learned.


I am understanding that my military-driven childhood has made me me who I am. I expect more from my “friends” than the average person can give and is the very reason that I find it hard to make good ones. It’s the Aspergers in me. Most friendships never even make it to fruition because I have such high expectations. I know I’m a tough friend to have.


I’m also learning that I often mistake acquaintances for friends. When you’ve shared a dorm with 7 other girls through your teenage years, your friends essentially become your extended family. They are the ones that stick around regardless of change. In the military you are more likely to be surrounded by acquaintances. These are those “friends” that have that “good while it lasts” mentality are quick to shut-down and are able to move on easily.


I am not able to move on easily


It makes me sad that people always leave.


I constantly must remind myself.


“Be who you are, for those that mind don’t matter,
and those who matter, don’t mind at all”.


It's a constant struggle.
~22 October 2007