Big Story 2009
Anyone else ready for a really LIGHT challenge?! :-)
Journaling: The irony is that I thought for most of the year that I knew what the big story of 2009 would be. What could be bigger than my firstborn leaving home for college? And for most of the year, that was indeed the big story: the audition visit in February and all the anxiety that produced, the gradual relaxation leading to the orientation visit in May. And then the sweet summer, savoring being together, watching her sink her feet deep into home in preparation for leaving, looking ahead with growing excitement. And for me, anticipating: How much would I miss her? How hard would it be? Would she really be happy or would it be a hard transition? And for whom would it be harder, her or me?
But then once the goodbyes had been said and we four settled back into home, I knew: Not so bad. There’s a new normal, and it’s not a bad normal, just different. Missing her feels OK, and she is doing well, and we can do this. A sense of release: the worst was really in all the anticipation, not in the actuality.
And that was when the truly big story broke upon us like a flood. Betrayal and brokenness and hurt and anger and loss, weeks of immersion in the consequences of the sins of beloved others followed by a long slog of getting through, keeping on, taking the difficult steps forced upon us by others’ selfishness. Emotional drain, physical exhaustion, so many mixed feelings, all wearing and all hard. The big story turned out to be the really hard one, and the one whose consequences seem most far-reaching. I know it won’t feel like this forever, and I know good has come and will continue to come out of all the awfulness. But there it is: the big story is the one that blindsided me in mid September, not the one I’d known was coming since that first flutter in my belly over 21 years ago.
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| Date: Fri January 22, 2010
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