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Thread: Crying it out.......

  1. #1

    Crying it out.......

    So as I sit here and type (trying to keep my mind occupied) Rilyn is in her crib, crying. She has gotten to the point where she HATES to go to sleep. She cries in my arms ( I usually rock her to sleep). So last week my MIL stayed here while DH and I went out for my birthday, and she says she put herself to sleep in 5 minutes. Well tonight its not working that well. Not to mention, I am a wreck. It just KILLS me to hear her in there crying. Anyone been there?!?!?

    ETA: I gave in. I couldn't take it another minute. She calmed down and went right to sleep when I picked her up. I probably just made it worse but momma couldn't bear it. thanks for letting me vent!
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  2. #2
    Oh yeah, I've been there. I remember struggling just like you and giving in too! It's so hard to hear our babies when they're upset.

    If you're sure there's nothing else wrong with her and you want her to learn to go to sleep on her own, you will have to let her cry it out. Each night she will cry less and less until finally, she won't cry at all. But, if you can't handle it and would rather rock her to sleep (even if she is crying) then I see nothing wrong with that!

    You're a good mama!! Believe me this stage will pass quickly. It will be a distant memory before long!

  3. #3
    Sleep struggles are sooo hard! I did the cry it out thing with DS when he was 19 months old. It was so tough, but fortunately it only took ONE night for us and we've both slept better ever since.
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  4. #4
    Been there...and picked him up too Bailey Do what feels right to you and with your precious one! The day I got rid of the parenting books and trusted myself was the happiest day of my life!! (of course I still question myself )

  5. #5
    I never had much trouble with mine going to sleep but the hardest thing was when we took the last one off the pacifier. We made a bad mistake of not taking him off the pacifier at the same time as the bottle. I thought we were all going to die the first night with no pacifier. Hang in there!
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  6. #6
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    First off, I thing you need a hug!

    Been there, too. DD is almost 9 months old, and we have been putting her down awake at 7:30pm for the past three 1/2 months. The first few days were really hard, but it was worth it for us because now she falls asleep within five minutes of hitting the crib. Consistency was key! I set a time limit for how long I would let her cry before I went in to check on her... it was really hard not to jump up and go to her the second she started crying. Of course, now she wants to get up every morning at 5:30am, so I guess the sleep struggles never end!

    I hope your MIL wasn't trying to imply that she knows the only right way to put your little one down at night, mine would... Bottom line, you have to do what feels right to you... Best of luck!

  7. Ughhh, I hear you. I absolutely can't bear a crying child.
    I totally agree with everyone else's advice. Do what feels right!
    If you are worrying about this..you are definitely a good Mom!
    and you are definitely NOT alone!!

  8. #8
    Nope, not alone. I did the cry it out method with my first two and it worked like a charm. Both of my first to were put down awake at three months old. And, they would sleep through the night. I thought... "hey I got this thing down pat!". WRONG!!!! My third one decided she wasn't having any of it. I tried to go downstairs where I couldn't hear it as well and watched the clock. It was torture. She finally just did it all on her own at 9 months. I decided to throw out the rule books and just love on my baby... for better or for worst. I see it this way... I got to spend more quality time with her in the middle of the night because it was just us. Silver lining


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  9. #9
    gosh YES we have been there - it is soooo hard to listen to them cry, isn't it?? When we finally decided to do the crying it out thing, I told myself if he didn't stop in an hour I would go back in....every night he stopped at exactly 45 minutes. It's so different for everyone though - my niece will cry until she makes herself sick and could go on for hours...I think you just need to do whatever feels right to you HUGS - it will get better!!

  10. #10
    hey my dd cried from 6 weeks to 6 months. It was odd when she wasn't crying. ( and she made it through .... )
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  11. #11
    Oh Bailey sending hugs your way! Spencer does not sleep through the night & I so would love a full nights sleep. We have talked about doing the crying it out thing, but we have only been able to stand it for a couple minutes. But hearing all of you saying that this works I am thinking we need to be braver. My mom says I was waking up through the night until age 3 - I sooo don't want to be doing that with Spence!

  12. hugs bailey...its definately one of those things that is hard to bear, listening to them cry. i have to agree with everyone to do what you feel is best for your sweetie pie, i remember so well with my first son that i heard from no less than 2 dozen people how and when we should put him to bed on his own and let him cry it out.
    it stressed me out really bad. but finally i did it, checking on him every five minutes the first night and he didnt go to sleep for over an hour of crying, the second night i checked on him every 8 minutes, and it took about 45-50 minutes, and within the week he was off to sleep all by himself, i dont think there is a 'by the book' method, because our childrens tempermants are all so different, my next baby slept like a doll from day one, but my third - well lets just say we are still working on her at 4 years old (LOL)........
    take a deep breath, sip some tea, and follow your instinct....
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  13. #13
    Thanks for all your support, thats why I love this place!!!!!! (Scrapbooking is only part of it)
    MIL was of course trying to tell me its best to let them sleep on their own- However thats not why I decided to try it I decided to do it because she cries either way...in my arms or in her bed. I was thinking that maybe she just wanted to be left alone. The night MIL let her cry it out she slept all night long. I was in shock. She's been sleeping thru the night ever since, which is nice. (So Kayleigh, it might work to get Spence to sleep thru the night.)
    But our problem is just getting her to sleep. Either way I am spending at least an hour trying to get her to sleep (in my arms or in her bed). DH and I are going to have a chat tonight and I think we're going to give it a real try. But I need some reinforcement (DH to lock me in my room and HE can check on her) Because I am a sissy. With Tanner I always put him to sleep, until he was like 18 months and he wanted to do it on his own (of course he was ALOT easier than her all around)
    The pacifier is a whole other issue.....never had to deal with that with T either.
    Thanks again for all your hugs and support! Love you guys!
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  14. hugs, Bailey - it's so hard sometimes to hear them struggling with a new skill!

    another thing that may help is developing a pre-bedtime routine. 10-15 minutes total time, you do the same thing every night right before you put her in her crib. that will also signal her that it's sleep time. pjs/book/rocking/singing - whatever works for you guys - as long as it's the same every night. (and make sure dh helps, too, that way if you're not there one evening she won't find it unusual.) and remember it takes 7 days to make a new habit!

    good luck and keep us posted.

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  15. #15
    These days are so hard with little ones--I remember it all really well. How my heart ached, how tired I was, how I would sometimes get angry and then feel so guilty for being angry at my helpless baby, how I wanted to just hold her but felt I shouldn't...

    By the time we had our third, I gave up going by the books and went by my heart. My son, who never cried it out, nursed till he was nearly 4, slept in our bed, is now 11 and well adjusted and charming and no longer sleeps with us. It was the best. It's not for everyone--but neither is the crying it out.

    Katrina said it so well: Listen to your heart. And know that, while you'll likely always remember these days, this too shall pass, and soon you'll be like me wondering where the babies are and wishing for a crying little one to hold really close and nurse to sleep.

    Hugs to you!
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  16. I agree that you should do what your heart tells you - I was (pretty much still am) totally against crying it out but there were a few nights when I knew that William was exhausted & my being there was keeping him up. On those nights I did leave him alone to go to sleep - he was a little older too. Also remember that she will go through phases - sometimes when I thought I would never sleep again William would just start sleeping through the night.
    I am a huge fan of a bedtime routine - I do not know what we would have done without this. William goes to bed like a dream & I believe it is in large part because he has always had a nice bedtime routine.
    And I am totally with Laura - she will not be little forever! I think a lot of the stress about sleep comes from other people and the expectations of what a baby "should" be doing. I think we sometimes expect too much of little babies - just love her & do what you feel is right.
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  17. #17
    This thread really takes me back. I felt just like you do. Couldn't stand to listen to my son cry. I was up one time from 1am to 7am rocking and singing as soon as I put him down he would jump right up and start all over again..it was quite a few months, but I didn't do the cry it out with him. Things got much better when we established a routine and I agree with the others consistency helps. I did do the cry it out with my daughter but she was quite the clever child...and she had her brother, only 18 months older than she, they established a routine of their own..he taught her how to get out of her crib. She would cry for a few minutes he would wake up and go in her room and help her out of her crib. My younger brother was living with me and never closed his door all the way so she would push on his door and crawl into bed with him..that's where we found her every morning from about 7months until 1 year..by the time she was 8 months old she was walking. Ok I'm rambling and reminiscing, I know I butchered that word...can't spell anymore. Ok anyway, hang in there Bailey, follow your heart, it will get better and before long you will be wondering where the time went.
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  18. #18
    Bailey, you so have to follow your own instincts. I tried (and ditched) all the books and all the advice from other people, but in the end you're the one there at the time having to figure out what to do. And that is YOUR child crying - it would break any mother's heart. Consistency and routine are vital. But you have to stick to the plan (and your husband has to too) - especially as they get older and more devious . What I mean is if you give in a little, linger a little longer, etc ... they remember and you pay for it!

    Without sounding like a party-pooper though I want to warn you that all of your good work or good luck counts for nothing when they go through an age or a stage! I was so lucky that my twins BOTH slept through the night from about 13weeks old. (Yes I know how can you feel sorry for me - I'm so lucky- but they did give up daytime naps when they turned 1!!). But they are now 4 and for the last 6 months we have struggled almost every night. We still have routine and consistency but they won't go to bed, they won't stay in bed, they won't go to sleep, and one of them ends up in our bed in the wee hours!!! GRRR! And we do all the right things but nothing is currently working - maybe it's just that there's 2 of them and they scheme together all the time!!

    I guess what I'm saying is follow your instincts, but realise in this big picture of parenting the rules change all the time and you've got to keep adjusting! And try to keep your humour or you'll go mad!
    (Does that all sound like the ramblings of a disillusioned, sleep deprived, mostly fed up mother of twins?!). Sorry
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  19. #19
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    Bailey, I feel your pain! Sometimes Lana is just beside herself at bedtime. She cries in my arms and out
    I would have gone in to sooth her just like you. Like Donna said above, just follow your instincts...mothers DO know best!
    My dad tells me that my mom used to run to me & my brother whenever we made the slightest noise & I think I turned out pretty good...so I have no bad feelings about soothing my DD if I feel she needs it!
    Lately (within the last 3wks) Lana has just been passing out on her own and finally sleeping through the night...so I'm sure its just a stage...like everything is at when they are 0-19years....lol.

    Also, for your MIL....of course baby is going to cry more when mommy & daddy are home....they know so much more than anyone gives babies credit for! Grandma is just not mommy, which is why after 5minutes your DD went to sleep for her.

    I don't want Lana to grow up too fast, but I'm honestly looking forward to her teenage years when she sleeps in & I'm up before her....haha!

    Best of luck Hugs!
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  20. #20
    Thanks again girls for all your support! You have no idea how much it means to me that you all know and understand and are sharing your own stories, it helps to know Im not alone in this parenting thing!
    Just an update: She hasnt given me any trouble the last few days/nights about going to sleep in my arms, so thats what Ive been doing. DH and I did talk about putting her down awake, and I let him know I would need reinforcement. He agreed and said when Im ready he will help (ie: lock me in my room or kick me out of the house)
    But as long as she doesn't give me trouble rocking her, I'll continue that, because I just love snuggling her to sleep. Thanks again girls!!!!
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  21. #21
    Bailey, I can totally sympathize. Sleep troubles have been some of the most difficult parenting challenges for me! And I agree with everyone else who said you should follow your instincts. But ... I'm studying to be a librarian, and I also have to say: come on people, books aren't all that bad!! And I thought I'd tell you a few books about sleeping that I know of, in case you or anyone else is interested:



    Baby Wise (by Gary Ezzo and Robert Dr Bucknam) -- I heard a lot of good things about this one, so I read it before my first child was born. The authors recommend putting your child down awake and letting her cry it out. They also have specific recommendations about when to nurse (like, not nursing them to sleep, and I think you're supposed to nurse every 2 to 2.5 hours). I think there is a Bible-based version of this book that some churches use for parenting classes. Gary Ezzo and his wife also wrote "Growing Kids God's Way: Biblical Ethics for Parenting" and some other books as well. I pretty much followed this book's recommendations for my daughter, but I really think she fights sleep a lot more than my son. I'm not sure if that's because of something I did or just how she is.

    The Happiest Baby on the Block (by Harvey Karp) -- My nurse recommended this one to me when my daughter was an infant. The author recommends specific strategies to calm your baby, like swaddling, side/stomach position, shhh sounds, swinging and sucking. I read this one not too long after Baby Wise, and considered the authors' philosophies to be pretty much opposite. But I still kind of combined the advice of the two books in my parenting style. (Somehow!)

    Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child (by Marc Weissbluth) -- I haven't read this one, but I have heard good reviews. I think he emphasizes keeping a napping schedule and says rocking and feeding can be bad habits.

    Nighttime Parenting: How to Get Your Baby and Child to Sleep (by William Sears) -- I read one of Dr. Sears' books (I think it was this one) when my son (second child) was an infant and loved it. Dr. Sears recommends bringing your kids to bed with you and/or always responding to them in the night. Dr. Sears also helped write "The No Cry Sleep Solution -- Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night," which I know some people really love.

    Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems (by Richard Ferber) -- I haven't read this, but I would like to, because I think Ferber is the guy famous for telling people to let their kids cry it out.

    Anyone else have any favorite books on the topic?
    Becky

  22. #22
    p.s. And yes, I'm posting this at 3 in the morning!
    Becky

  23. I read them all (some out of curiosity even though I knew I would not use them) & The No-Cry Sleep Solution was the one I liked the best (I also like Dr. Sears although we do not sleep with William). Happiest Baby On The Block was another I liked - William loved to be swaddled.
    Please google Baby Wise before you read it!
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  24. #24
    oh bailey!
    I was so bad I never let my babies cry in bed - and now Madison still needs someone to lay down with her at night in our bed to fall asleep

    yes she was a preemie and yes she has a disability, but sometimes I just wish she could fall asleep in her own bed! but I would rather sleep myself then fight about where she falls asleep.

    and you know what, do what works for you - there are no rules. Our ped told us (she was from the phillipienes) that many families in her country co-sleep - she said kids felt more secure in life because of it....

    hugs,
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  25. Quote Originally Posted by Wooby View Post
    Baby Wise (by Gary Ezzo and Robert Dr Bucknam) -- I heard a lot of good things about this one, so I read it before my first child was born. The authors recommend putting your child down awake and letting her cry it out. They also have specific recommendations about when to nurse (like, not nursing them to sleep, and I think you're supposed to nurse every 2 to 2.5 hours). I think there is a Bible-based version of this book that some churches use for parenting classes. Gary Ezzo and his wife also wrote "Growing Kids God's Way: Biblical Ethics for Parenting" and some other books as well.
    I normally stay well away from these conversations as I know that my extended nursing, nursing on demand, co-sleeping, baby wearing, homeschooling lifestyle is not the norm.

    However I cannot be quiet regarding Ezzo. Ezzo's methods are truly horrible and are linked to abuse, failure to thrive, dehydration, and severe health issues in infants. Please, please do not follow this book.

    There is a lot of great information and support in the forums at http://www.mothering.com. You may also search for information on Ezzo there.

    Have you considered using a wrap or mei tei to "wear" the babe to sleep? Please PM me if you wish.

  26. #26
    Hmm ... I didn't know Ezzo's book was so controversial! That was seriously the book most often recommended to me when my daughter was born. I guess looking back, I really didn't agree with some parts of it. Maybe I wish I would have read a different book first. But I'd still say reading Ezzo was helpful.
    Becky

  27. #27
    Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child (by Marc Weissbluth) -- I haven't read this one, but I have heard good reviews. I think he emphasizes keeping a napping schedule and says rocking and feeding can be bad habits.
    This is the book that I used...only for the schedules. When I was able to get in rhythm with Ian life was good! Otherwise I was/am in the cosleeping, nursing on demand, no crying it out, loving on him all the time, vegan diet camp

  28. My only advice is go with your gut... I went by the book (several books) with my first child at first and was so stressed out trying to follow all the different advice... we now have 3 kids and each have been very different personality wise...crying it out worked for one, one never cried and slept through very early, and with one crying it out never worked and rocking her to sleep helped her to learn how to sleep... she now at one sleeps 7 to 7 and had no problem putting herself back to sleep if she wakes up... I go with my gut... my husband supports that and we work through each stage together... with lots of prayer!

    All the best!

  29. Oh Bailey, it's so hard, isn't it? As mothers, we question everything, don't we? When my twins were 18 months, I finally decided to try 'crying it out'. After a couple of rough nights (one night I had to go outside and sit on my steps), my babies were sleeping on their own. My youngest, however, was so easy. He loved his crib and fell asleep with no problem. So I guess what I'm saying, is pretty much what everyone else did - trust in your instincts. Each child is different. What works for one may not work for another. You know what's best for your little one and you'll get by this. Good luck!

  30. #30
    I really didn't want this to turn into a debate And what I love about this is that there are always so many views!! I read many of the mentioned books before/when I had Tanner (who is now 3). And I got all caught up in the Ezzo/abuse debate with our local moms group. My take on the whole thing...
    Society today makes such a fuss over books, read, know, ask your pediatrician, follow this schedule, plan this, and what ever you do, don't "wing it", or trust yourself...of course how could we first time moms ever know our own babies?!?! So while I think books are great, I think there was a LOT I learned from each book and I kind of made up my own thing with Tanner, (but again looking back he was EASY) Putting him on a schedule worked and I rocked him to sleep he slept through the night at 8 months and has always been good about sleep. He also didnt nurse the way I had hoped, my milk just didnt come in so he was half and half for 3 months then full formula. With Rilyn things are different. She slept with us until she was 7 months old (out of nursing convenience) and every night (even with an attempted schedule) she is different, sometimes shes an angel, sometimes she screams no matter what I do. She also has some tummy issues that we are working on.....I know Im rambling. But every kid is different and those books are great, but I DO think we need to trust ourselves more and rely on great support from other moms. As for Ezzo, I think the problem is some of these moms try to follow it without trusting themselves. And following the book without reading your own child will ALWAYS cause an issue.
    Anyways, thank you again soo much for the support!
    Bailey

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