christmas gift giving...

[Britgirl]

I have a large family of inlaws. {out laws!} this year we {okay my in laws are!} are trying to think of some kind of secret santa or similar so everyone doesnt have to buy every body a gift.
I cant quite figure out how this would work with the kids, or how I would explain to one of my children why her relative got something for her sister but not her. I get the theory but not how it works in families as opposed to work places.
Does anybody here do something like this? have any ideas?

[earlofoxford]

We don't do this in our family, but what about everybody giving a gift to children say under 13 and then everybody else drawing names? I can totally understand why small children wouldn't understand.

[PaulaSG]

my husband comes from a large family so we do the secret santa thing. The kids are excluded from that. The kids get one gift from all their aunts and uncles though, rather than one from each of them (dh is one of 7, there are 15 nieces and nephews!). It's worked out really well since we started that system. For the past few years all the girls (except the eldest one who is 18) get a night out with their dad, together with their girl-cousins and uncles - they go our to eat and go to a show. They ALL love it.

[tdavenport]

In the past we've had all the adults do a secret santa and then all the kids do a secret santa (you don't pick anyone in your immediate family.) It's kind of fun becaue the kids really do get into picking out the present for their cousin.

[dugarner]

For my dh's side (we have 12 of us, six kids, six adults), last year the adults all drew one name of someone else. I'd say the cutoff for the age to be a "kid" would be 16 or so; after that they'll get thrown in with the adults.

Then each couple bought one small-ish thing for each of the kids, since it's really all about them, anyway. We had a spending limit of $20/person, and everyone had to send me their lists but no one knew who was shopping for them.

We loved it because everyone got exactly what they wanted, there was no stress.

[FlowerGirl]

Most of the people I know who do Secret Santas do all the adults. Then maybe all the kids get a gift or what Terri said -- kids can do a SS amongst themselves. So everyone gets one present.

[digigrandma]

We do Secret Santa gifts for all the adults in the family (my side and dh's side do this) but the little children all get gifts from all of us. (I love shopping for children!)

[bluelemur01]

In my family we tried the Secret Santa thing for a few years & it worked out very well! We all pulled names, and then everyone sent "hints" over email about what they wanted, and it was really a lot of fun. However, since there were not that many small kids, we ended up getting all the kiddos presents anyway.

BUT - My sister also does a Secret Santa with her in-laws. In THEIR family, everyone gets only one present, even the kids. The kids have a separate drawing and the adults have a separate drawing. My sister said they are OK with it and understand that's just the way it is on that side of the family. Since they still get stuff from Santa or mom/dad, the kids really didn't care that there was only one "family" gift for them.

Now with MY in-laws, I've been urging everyone to set up a Secret Santa for a few years now. There are 11 kids that need gifts, and STILL everyone ends up buying for everyone else, except for the families that get nothing for everyone. It ends up being crazy expensive. I love shopping for kids but it's really getting out of hand. I'm def. going to push for Secret Santa again!

good luck!

[deanie]

We've started doing the secret Santa thing for the adults in our immediate family-which is not that large, but it does help when there is a broad range of financial ability. John and I still give each set of adult children a small gift and the grandchildren all get gifts.

[snard]

We have done the same as many above. All the aunts and uncles buy for all the children under 18 and draw names for the adults.

[artmidget]

My family doesn't do secret santa, but we only give to one person. I am the youngest of 8 and have 16 nieces and nephews, so if we were to give to everyone that would get pretty pricey! We used to draw names, but now we do a rotation, which is nice because we know all year long who we are giving to and can work on gift ideas all year . My nieces and nephews have a rotation amongst themselves as well.

This has worked pretty well for us... of course it is really all I know, because that is how it was done with my cousins (on both sides) when I was younger.

[lisa.hinrichs]

This is an excellent thread, and I'm glad to hear everyone it thinking about it now. My family all wait until the last minute to decide what they want to do, then you are left with someone that has already started on something "special" and announces they are breaking the rules with their exception.

We started doing various exchanges for three reasons. First due to budget reasons, we are all financially in differnt places so some would feel guilty because they couldn't afford the same budget as others.

Also, we found that we were getting gifts for the sake of something to unwrap. It wasn't wanted or needed and was often stashed away or returned by new years day.

Finally, One our our gatherings is 4 generations and there are about 70 family members and growing every year. Just too many people to buy for.

We have done everything from exchanging names, to spend limits, to white elephant, to buy for kids. It requires a bunch of lists and keeping track of who you are buying for and how much to spend. It's a lot of work, but easier on the budget.

As for how to explain it to kids, most of them understand. DS is still young enough that we let him know that the presents are only the bonus to getting together with cousins, uncles and grandparents to play and have fun as a family. I did let him bend the rules last year because there were one or two relatives that he really wanted to give a gift to, it was something simple like a calendar that Uncle Mike would like the pictures, or a cousin's favorite candy.

[dugarner]

Originally Posted by lisa.hinrichs

It requires a bunch of lists and keeping track of who you are buying for and how much to spend. It's a lot of work, but easier on the budget.

I wrote everyone's names down twice, put them each in a bag, and drew two names. The first name bought for the second person. Then I did it again, with the first person buying for the second person, so that everyone was paired up, but not buying for each other. It left a little mystery, but not much! Then I just made one list with everyone's names on the left, "Name," and on the right, "Buying for" with that person's name. When people forgot, they called me, and I was able to give the information quickly and with not much administrative work.

But for as many people as you have, it sounds like a job for Excel!

Oh, and I second the financial aspect---in our immediate family, we have very different situations; frugal with not a lot of money (us), extremely spend-y with not a lot of money, and obnoxiously, obscenely spend-y with a pretty good income. It's a great leveler and keeps us all focused on the joy of giving that one thing that we know is desired and enjoyed. And, my DH's family never had the tradition of taking turns to open gifts---until we were married, it was a free-for-all and over in 30 seconds, with no one enjoying seeing someone receive a gift. Now, because there are fewer gifts, we take turns, and it takes all morning. It's so much more relaxing.

[bluelemur01]

Sarah, I agree that you really do savor each gift more when there are fewer! I found that in our family too, we had a LOT of fun joking and guessing about who was buying for whom, and what they were getting...and it was great fun to watch everyone their present.

We also did a white elephant one year with silly/joky gifts ($10 or less). Now that was a HUGE hit, but it was both frustrating & hilarous that my Latvian grandma, who was in her late 80's at the time, just DID NOT GET IT. When she opened up her gift, she did NOT accept/understand that she was either supposed to trade it or get it "stolen." So we had to let her keep it and just played the game around her! (She was not at all senile; she just didn't get the concept of the game.) I remember the best gift was a "daily spam recipe" flip calendar...we all loved that one!

[dugarner]

Originally Posted by bluelemur01

We also did a white elephant one year with silly/joky gifts ($10 or less).

What a riot that your grandma didn't get it! I didn't know what white elephant parties were were until we moved here to Louisiana, and the young families in our church had one. My DH, who is ever the prankster, made a CD of what he called, in effect, uumm . . . (I can't say it, I might offend someone) . . . songs for guys that you wouldn't expect guys to listen to? In other words, he raided my Broadway CD pile (Chess, Phantom, anything else by Andrew Lloyd Webber---the more elevator-music-y, the better!), bought a few REALLY annoying songs off iTunes, and it was the hit of the night. People were scrambling for that gift until the bitter end. We still talk about it every year at the party. I've heard it playing in the background at dinner parties.

But what I thought was great was the one or two people who didn't "get it," and bought something really nice. That made it even more fun, because the swapping/stealing got pretty intense.

[bluelemur01]

oh Sarah, that CD sounds so fun! I am guessing in my head what it might be called & I have a pretty good idea, lol. I can see how that would be the new hit! So funny!

When I used to work full-time, our engineering team did a white elephant one time. There were about 20 of us and most people tried to out-do each other with creatively awful gifts, but there were two people who also didn't understand it and brought something GOOD. And exactly like you said, it made the trading so much more funny & intense! I ended up with a hideous Aladdin-faux "lamp" that was supposed to be a receptacle for long matches used to light fireplaces. It lived on my desk at work for a loooong time, and when I left work, I bequeathed it to a new lucky owner!

[Steph]

With my dh's family, the adults make something homemade for the other adults. And we all buy for all the kids, but only one item. We love the homemade gifts for adults. I've done photographs over the years, my SIL does homemade jam, and through the years, we've all gotten wonderful things like embroidered towels, a basket of snacks for movie night, babysitting "gift certificates", swapping excursions (one couple takes the other couple's kids out to the zoo for the day, for example), CDs burned of favorite tunes, etc.... It takes some creativity but the gifts have been fabulous!!!

[maureenreynolds]

We do very little gift giving or expecting but we have all adult children. There is no exchange in either direction with them. We do give gifts to all the grandchildren. Both of us have ex-spouses who believed in the MORE philosophy, with tons of generic gifts.

I don't know what my xh does now but I know in previous years, when I wasn't married I was amazed at how much the other two sets of grandparents gave which was way beyond anything I could do then or even would consider doing. I realized soon that one thing I could give was time. Even tho my income is much greater now, time is what I still give the most of.

I am an only child so there is no family on my side and for the 20 yrs we were overseas, we only exchanged cards with my xh's family. All of this large family exchange is not a part of my experience at all.

I have seen one friend's family who have the tradition of shopping BAGS full of gifts for each child and each of the gifts in those bags is $20 or much more. We were kind of sickened to see that kind of excess especially when the children were under 3.

But I also rememember a friend who was a social worker talking about how different Christmas/Holiday gift giving traditions are among families, and really if it works, then go for it. (I seriously judge some as greed tho. That's just me!)